July 31, 2011 § Leave a comment
Hi guys. I drank some coffee today. The following post is what happens when I’m on caffeine.
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Quotes like this make me feel less weird about being me:
“It has been found that when the individual is “open” to all his experience…then his behavior will be creative, and his creativity may be trusted to be essentially constructive…In a person who is open to experience each stimulus is freely relayed….without being distorted by any process of defensiveness. Whether the stimulus originates in the environment, in the impact of form, color, or sound on the sensory nerves, or whether it originates in the viscera…it is available to awareness…This last suggests another way of describing openness to experience. It means lack of rigidity and permeability of boundaries in concepts, beliefs, perceptions, and hypotheses. It means a tolerance for ambiguity where ambiguity exists. It means the ability to receive much conflicting information without forcing closure upon the situation….This complete openness of awareness to what exists at this moment is, I believe, an important condition of constructive creativity.”
-Carl Rogers via Richard Florida’s The Rise of the Creative Class
But it’s quite odd because as much as I love experiences that resonate with such an “openness to ambiguity,” sometimes I have an urge to verbalize or numeritize or slice and dissect everything into pieces with a “precision-knife of knowledge” (R. M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance).
Balance balance balance balance.
Anyways. Off to Taiwan now.
Actually, no. While I’m on the subject of literary whatnots, I have one thing to rant about. This is currently the bane of my existence:
I’ve been reading this book for five months. Five months!!!!! At maximum it takes me two weeks to finish a book, but getting through this one has been like pulling teeth that are super-glued to your gums. History has never really engaged me, but I understand it’s pretty important and I thought it would do me good to read a somewhat comprehensive summary of world history as manifested in the book above. However, the only section that interested me were the two paragraphs in which the author talks about zebras and gazelles.
Unfortunately, the excitement of animal behavior lasted hardly a page and now I’m chewing through thousands of words about how the production of corn or wheat or domesticated pigs or something or other shaped the way various regions developed technology at different rates in different locations and how that accounts for the varieties of technological/economical development and where the axis of power currently lie and etc etc etc. Ugh. history: you. make. me. tired.
Hm. Ranting is kind of fun.
What else can I rant about…
I’ve been shopping these days. I finally got some new clothes that make me look less like a homeless person. This includes a black unitard/jumpsuit thing that I’m extremely proud of and a turquoise-flowered unitard-like short ensemble (apparently called a ‘romper’) that I’m semi-proud of. These unitard things look cool but they are really inefficient to use the bathroom in. You can’t lift it up like a dress…you can’t pull it down like a pair of pants…you have to completely undress yourself to pee! Le sigh. People say beauty is a pain, but if anything, I say beauty is inefficient.
…But it’s just so purty to look at… *^^*
I also bought a new external hard drive and I’ve finally been able to clear my SD cards. Makes me feel so good inside. I also organized my bookshelf by genre and discovered that my library falls under three broad categories: psychology, business, and fiction.
My dad also got me a pair of real earrings because my fake ones developed this bright green rust and my mom started yelling about how I was close to developing cancer. Who knew that allowing cheap metals to rot on my skin is an effective strategy for receiving jewelry from my dad?
Hm. Verbal vomit feels nice. Nice for me to write, probably not so much for you to read. If, for some odd reason, you have read up to this point, I treat you with pictures of beautiful zebras and beautiful Rihanna:
That woman is so beautiful. And the art direction for those series is fabulous. To watch the full video, click here.
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See you later alligators!
July 30, 2011 § 4 Comments
I am the boy who cried wolf – with a slight modification: I am the girl who cried ‘I’m going back to America!’
…because now I’ll be making a quick stop in Taiwan.
I’ll be spending two weeks on the island also known as Formosa (‘beautiful’ in Portugese) to travel and attend a seminar on Ch’an.
This trip was quite unexpected and last-minute — I’m still wrapping my head around the idea. Honestly, I feel hesitant to spend more time doing yet again another trip/program that plays an unknown (if any) role in my career development and life goals.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m quite excited for this trip. It’s not everyday that I get to visit a new country with half my expenses provided for, to learn about Ch’an, and to meet people from all over the world (special thanks to RT + 姐姐!). In addition, many of my college friends have Taiwanese roots and I finally get to visit their land of historic origin! I’m totally looking forward to walking around in the streets amongst hundreds of Julies Jasons Scotts Connies and Shars. :)
As much as I’m looking forward to Taiwan, I can’t help feeling a nagging pull of incredulousness. Really, Song-I, again? It’s been over a year since you graduated. Aren’t you done with this ridiculous “soul-searching” of yours? Aren’t you long overdue to join your peers who are already receiving promotions, salary raises, med school acceptances, and PhD candidacies? Get practical Song-I. Set specific goals. Join reality. Choose a fucking career already.
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…Wow. The f-bomb does add a touch of drama doesn’t it?
Seriously though. I don’t know if my prolonged return to the ‘real world’ is a result of procrastination or comprehensive deliberation or last-minute decision-making or slow-and-steady musing. Or maybe it’s a resistance to growing up or an insistence on staying young. Or maybe I’m overly insecure or maybe I’m too self-confident.
…or maybe I just dislike cubicles.
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But thanks to the past year, I’ve realized that the experiences you open yourself to shape your being. I feel myself becoming a slightly different person with every positive experience I foster and negative experience I learn from. Each person you meet, each experience you cultivate, molds you like the finger swipes of a skilled potter.
But the problem is that I don’t know what my mold looks like yet. Right now, I’m just a bit more than a lump spinning around on the wheel, silently praying that my potter is skilled and that I turn out okay.
I hope my experiences are molding me into something decent and useful. Maybe even beautiful. And I hope that I am gaining a momentum that will carry me into the future with grace, passion, and lots of laughter along the way.
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I’m determined to make this last trip before returning to the States a memorable and meaningful one that lots of good come out of. And I’ll be munching on lots of bubble tea and mango shaved ice on the way. Dear friends and acquaintances and non-lovers and anonymous readers, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I venture off into another wtf-where-is-this-leading situation :)
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July 28, 2011 § 6 Comments
I wonder why we bite our nails when we are nervous. Is it a culturally learned emotional signal or is there something inherent about applying pressure from our teeth to our fingernails that induces some sort of soothing effect? Does it induce a soothing effect at all?
July 24, 2011 § 5 Comments
Applied for another position. Here’s the outcome:
Hm. Do you see a pattern here?
- Company X1 (applied seven months ago): Straight up ignored. I have yet to hear a response. =T 휴~
- Company Y (one month ago): Friendly rejection (you can read about it here)
- Company X2 (a week ago): Essentially-a-rejection-but-maybe-we’ll-get-back-to-you. Interesting because this company is the same as company X1, but at an international location.
…Do I spy some progress?!?
…At this rate, maybe company Z will interview me. And then maybe company post-Z will interview me two times. And then maybe company post-post-Z will actually hire me.
Sighs. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Just keep swimming swimming swimming.
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In other news:
- I taught a yoga class yesterday using a mix of Korean and English. Twas fun.
- Visited an artist’s studio — she has some intense work that I’ll share with you when I find images…though one has to see her work in person to appreciate its full complexity.
- Visited a nuclear engineering lab. My friend in the lab is a short and round, big-eyed, bubbly Indonesian woman who laughs wholeheartedly and expresses herself dramatically while wearing monochromatic outfits from head to toe. But the rest of her labmates are nine skinny and quiet Korean boys/men wearing identical black-framed glasses and similar bowl haircuts. The stark contrast is endearingly hilarious and it makes me feel like I’m watching a strange scientific-international version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
- It was my last week in Daejeon so there have been plenty of farewell meals and playdates…which can only mean one thing in Korea: lots of restaurants and dessert bars and cafes. Combine that with the stress munchies I’m getting from PMS, transitional preparations for my return to the States, family drama, and the job search, I currently look three months pregnant with the extra weight I’ve gained. Maybe even pregnant with twins.
- I just went for a hike and got my butt kicked by a 60-year-old grandmother who worked the mountain up and down like a squirrel on steroids. I am so humbled.
July 23, 2011 § Leave a comment
Check out more amazing images in larger size at carenalpertfineart.com
July 17, 2011 § 1 Comment
요즘 애는 사람들이랑 마지막 인사를 많이 한다.
어제는 많은 친구들이랑 같이 모여서 맛있는 점심을 먹고 복분자 한잔 식 마시면서 즐거운 시간을 보내고 또 코스트코도 가서 놀았다 (코스트코 가서 논다는 것은 또 한국 와서 처음경험 ^^).
또 다른 사람들은 일대일로 만나서 점심 먹고 예기 하고 인사 했다.
또 다른 사람들은 디티씨에서 인사 했다.
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나는 어릴 대 붙어 자주 옴 기고 사람들이 자주 왔다갔다 해서 마지막 goodbye 인사가 이숙 해져서 별것 아니다고 생각했다. 그리고 또한 방법은 사람들한테 마음을 닫는 것이다. 마음을 닫으면 인사할 대 하나도 안 서운하고 안 아파요.
그러나 오랫동안 그렇게 지내보니까 사람의 의미를 잊어버렸어요.
제가 한국 9월에 처음 왔을 때 그런 땅땅 한 마음상태로 왔어요. 사람 만나는 게 두렵고, 귀찮고, 학교 아니면 비즈니스 목표 없이 만나면 시간을 버린다고 생각했어요.
그러나, 한국에 와서 시간을 보내고, 좋은 사람들 만나면서 좋은 대화도 나누고, 같이 응원도 주고 받는 것을 느껴보고, 사람들이 나한테 마음을 열어주고 나 도 마음을 조금 식 열었다. 그렇게 하다 보니까 와, 왜 사람의 ‘인’ 자는 두 줄로 만들어졌나 이해가 되기 시작했다.
…그래도 오랫동안 마음을 닫은 상태에서 사람한테 마음을 연다는 것은 쉬운 일이 아니지요?
아직도 저는 마음에 있는 포연을 겉으로 꺼내는 것은 부족합니다.
사람들 한명식 한명식 마지막 인사하면서 눈을 맞춰요. 그러나 눈을 맞추면 손을 잡고 싶고, 손을 잡으면 깊게 안아주고 싶다.
그러나 나는 그런 의미 잇는 스킨십은 원래부터 어색하고 또 한국 문화 때문에 더 부란해서 하고 싶은 말도 다 뭍하고 느끼고 싶은 몸 인사포연을 안 했다.
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…그러나 나는 왜 이 글을 쓰지?
…hmm…제 마음을 받아주라고 쓰는 것 같아요. 겉으로 나온 인사가 안에 있는 인사보다 잘 안나웠고 부족했는데 여러분 그 동안 좋은 친구 해주셔서 너무 고맙고 제 푼푼한 마음을 받아주세요.
그럼, 다음에 만날 때가지 안녕~ 엄마가 예기 하는 것 처럼 또 미국 가서 고생하러 가 는대 여러분 덕분에 좋은 에너지와 용기와 경험을 싸고 갑니다! 여러분 파이팅이애요! <3
[특히 이 글은: 나미나미나미, 애스재이, 미셸, JML, WHC, JCP, 닼털박, 생선님, KHB, WJA, HJN, HJO, HKC, SYJ, CMP, YHB, YJK, YKS, & 세종듀오 JHP+SHL 애게. JHC는 아직 마지막 않이니까 인사 제대로 할께^^]